A lot of things happened during that moment, words that breaks my heart endlessly.
It's funny that I still managed to be calm but I was crying so hard.
I told her " I believe in your Judgement po"
I can't stop crying, I'm so sad, so alone...
I failed.
In just few weeks they'll be Registered and I'm not.
That day came, results are out and ta-da "100%".
All of them passed the Board Exam.
I was happy for them, that's the truth BUT I was sad for myself that's the fact.
I congratulated them on Messenger while crying. I ate my breakfast while crying.
I was crying the whole time, hoping that it will ease the pain.
Hoping and hoping...
My mama looked at me, she saw how devastated I was.
My mama was angry at me because she doesn't want me to feel this way.
She throws a joke later that day and kiss me on my cheek.
Not so vocal but she comforts me on her own way.
That's all I need.
On the second time, I gave my heart, I did my best,
I disciplined myself, I wake up every morning without my Alarm clock
I have this fire in my heart, this driving force.
And for the second time, I allowed myself to be vulnerable
So that I can begin again, and so that I can seek God in my life again.
It was hard, I was alone, always alone.
But I have God, my family and my true friends.
And then BOOOM, I was able to restart and continue my journey.
I still cry sometimes, I still have doubts, I still have pain
But I am stronger and better.
So the days, weeks, months went by and i meet her again.
PreBoard Test, I was the highest
It really did paid off but fears starting to grow back.
On the last day of filling on the PRC, from Pangasinan to Baguio
It was already 2pm when Uncle Felix drove off the car so that we can be there at 5pm,
On our way it was foggy, raining and traffic.
I felt that I am too unlucky because this events keep coming.
We only have an hour to go.
And with the grace of God, we were able to file on the very last minute of the last day of filling.
I was relieved, but it seems the real battle was just starting,
I pray every single day
Read half of the day, saying to myself "I dont wanna regret".
I did my best, I ask my loved ones not to call me.
They didn't call me.
It's just me and the never ending piece of paper.
It's just me and my hopes and dreams.
I NEVER GIVE UP! because this is what I've prayed.
For the day of exam, I surrender everything to HIM.
For the last module, I answered it whole heartedly,
even if I'm so tired, saturated and drained.
And my family and friend called me.
I am happy
It's over
That day, It rained and I played under the rain.
I embraced the raindrops in my body while spreading my arms and
'umikot', it felt so liberating.
I am soaked and shivering but I am happy.
For the last day in my dorm, because I'm already returning to my hometown.
I cherished it and cried so hard thanking God for everything.
My journey is messy, my story is messy but not me.
The little things we find messy, is the path that GOD has bestowed us.
I believe in you pal.
and BTW I PASSED MY LICENSURE EXAM. Thank you for believing in me.
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